Things That are Gonna Drive Me to an Early Grave

 In Author

Several years ago, I considered starting a blog entitled, “Things that are Gonna Drive Me to an Early Grave.” At the time everything seemed to be driving me crazy, but two things in particular conspired to cause spontaneous human combustion. Last month, these same two vexing patterns of human behavior emerged in full force as I attended a week-long conference of twenty thousand people. Fair Warning: Shameless venting ahead!

Vexation #1: Drivers who insist on backing into parking spaces when six or seven cars are lined up trying to enter a parking lot. What’s up with these notorious back-up parkers? Are they more concerned with the pristine condition of their vehicles’ rear than the front? Is there something so valuable hidden in the trunk—money, jewels, a dead body—that they’re reluctant to risk backside exposure to cruising cars? It’s hard to believe these drivers are completely oblivious to the congestion they’re causing. Just pull that puppy in and be done with it!

Vexation #2: People who sit on the aisle seats in auditoriums, glaring at everyone who has to pass them to reach the middle of the row. These aisle-hogging beasties often arrive early at events, staking their claim like evil trolls guarding a bridge. They scowl and grumble as other attendees attempt to slip by and fill in vacant middle-of-the-row seats. Now I realize that some people have physical challenges or special issues that necessitate sitting in the aisle seats. No problem! But many aisle-sitters have no excuse. So next time I step on your feet or fall in your lap—the most likely scenario because I’m not very coordinated—don’t blame me. Move to the middle or deal with the consequences!

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